I sometimes wonder, what exactly am I doing here?
I mean it’s an obvious fundamental question; but it keeps hopelessly recurring in my thought process; disrupting everything else.
I feel insecure, when I can’t figure out a plausible answer to the aforementioned question, and it takes me to the brink of sheer anger. The fact that I can’t relate to the things I do on a daily basis – aggravates me, it offends my intellect and casts a detrimental spell on my psyche. I feel disgusted and utterly helpless, totally insignificant and my existence bothers me at that precise moment.
It is an unbearable state-of-mind and I find no drill to get over it. Suddenly I lack a perspective, doubt my capabilities, question the senses of morality and eventually infer the utter futility of it all. I keep denying everything that makes any sense and feel like destroying it all.
I’m certain that by now, this scribble is turning out to be the most dreadful and atrocious piece of intolerable cliché. I can figure out how foolish these thoughts are appearing to a reader – that too breaks my heart. I feel decimated, defeated, destroyed and more appalled by everything around me. They all appear to be phony, artificial – lacking any intrinsic value whatsoever.
This torrent of negativity hurts. It is pathetic, it is destructive and deters me from being able to focus at all. It renders me dysfunctional and adversely affects everything that I do. In essence it decays the fundamental fabric of willing to continue.
I honestly intend to get over these spells of sheer negativity. I want to find the true purpose of life. Why exactly are we wandering in this massive wilderness of ‘nothing’? Where do we truly belong? How is it possible for the species known as ‘Humans’ to simultaneously manifest opposing sets of emotions? Well, I’m waiting for the answers.
At the flip side of the negativity, I’m perhaps the most optimistic person you’ll ever meet. I try to read – a lot; and to think. That, I suppose, is the most fulfilling of all activities. Striving to comprehend a portfolio or stream of notions in an effort to understand their interrelationships. I try to figure-out the nature of correlations between the perceivable variables, and get immense pleasure from being remotely able to establish a reasonable connection.
That, perhaps is the most fulfilling aspect of my existence – that proneness to relating ideas, concepts, emotions, individuals, and consequences in a subtle web of interconnected phenomena, acting in a rather discreet harmony.